school days
Fitting in
Every parent becomes rapidly aware that school is only partly about study. It is a child’s testing ground for social behaviour, and some of the tests are just as rigorous as the academic ones. The challenges faced at different ages can often fit into the following categories:
Under 7s – Making friends
When your child first starts going to school, you may need to take an active part in helping them to identify new friends and help friendships along by inviting children round to your home or taking friends with you on family trips.
- Taking other children to neutral territory like the playground where they can interact together is good practice for your child.
- Shy children will benefit from finding a special friend to pair up with during breaktime and for activities. Once they have more confidence, they will broaden their circle of friends.
- Forceful children might need to use language to help them deal with confrontation. Teach them simple phrases like "Can I have a turn?"
- Just being trained to say, "Are you OK, where does it hurt?", can help rough children who unintentionally push and shove others.
Over 7s – Bullying
The best way to address bullying is to chat to your child about what schoolmates do at breaktime and work out what’s OK and what’s not. When chatting with your child, you can raise the following points:
- A child play-fighting with another child who doesn’t want to play-fight must stop. If they won't, we must tell the teacher.
- A group of children chasing just one child is not fair.
- Bigger children must be extra careful when playing with smaller children.
- Personal comments and teasing are not acceptable.
- Exchange of money between children is also not acceptable.
- When children react by screaming and crying, they sometimes get teased more.
- A cool response often stops teasing.
Over 10s – Bullying
This is the most common time for bullying, and may be related to the change from primary to secondary school. Bullying can be physical or verbal, and boys and girls bully equally.
Bullying can be really difficult for parents to deal with, often because children have very successful strategies for keeping bullying secret. However, there are a number of telltale signs including lost or damaged clothing, lost money, going to school early, coming home late, taking a new route to school, or being generally withdrawn.
When you speak to your child, encourage them to suggest their own solutions to bullying.
All primary and secondary schools have Anti-Bullying Policies. So if you are really concerned, contact your child’s schools and chat through the issue.
The following sites are worth a visit:
Over 11s – Making friends
Starting at secondary school, or changing schools, is a very stressful time for children at around this age. Children who don’t make friends easily certainly need some help. A good starting point is the 'Making friends' link on the Kidscape website www.kidscape.org.uk. You could go through it with your child.
Teens – Relationships
All you hear through your son's closed door is music turned up to full-volume. The girl he likes has turned him down. Or maybe your daughter's boyfriend has broken up with her and she keeps bursting into tears. It's easy to forget the fragile self-esteem of a teenager and how easily it is shattered by rejection, but is there anything useful that parents can do?
- Do all you can to support their social life in general – friendships are the best tonic to getting through early relationships.
- Try, subtly, to boost their self-esteem – tell them when they’re looking good!
- Tell them about things that went wrong for you when you were starting out.
- Be firm, fair and consistent in your rules about going out and coming home.
- Be open to talking to your son or daughter about sex.
- www.brook.org.uk provides confidential advice for young people on sexual health and contraception.
In our Family Health section, you can get some insight into problems teenagers have with smoking, alcohol and drugs.
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