for parents
Step-parenting
As separation becomes divorce - now one in four marriages break-up - and new families are made, step-parents become an integral part of the household.
In the overwhelming majority of cases, men are the ones who must deal with being a live-in step-parent. Women tend to have visiting stepchildren from their partner's previous relationship.
Why is it harder?
All family life is complicated but stepfamily life can be more so because of the variety of relationships and histories involved. There are many challenges, which can take months or years to work through:
- You may have emotional baggage from unresolved issues with the child's other parent.
- You may need to help your child come to terms with separation or bereavement.
- Coping with divided loyalties, with guilt and resentment are common to many stepfamilies.
- You may be dealing with a family thrown out of balance by new additions.
- It can get messy as people jostle for new roles within the family, and different styles of parenting can clash.
Are we different?
While you're doing all this, it can help to remember:
- All families have tensions and crises, as their children grow older.
- You are gaining valuable experience through talking honestly with your children and/or stepchildren.
- Your children/stepchildren are gaining from having more people who care about them. They should never feel they've lost out.
- Ultimately children do want their parents to be happy and if you give them the chance to adjust and don't compromise their lifestyle as a direct result of your decisions, you will get there in the end.
What if I need help?
A useful place to start is www.parentline.co.uk . They offer advice on handling difficult situations and have a free helpline on 0808 800 2222.
In their Children & Young People section are many insights about life in a stepfamily, with contributions from kids of all ages who have been through it.
When things change
If your divorce comes through, if you decide your new partner is someone you want to be with, and if you decide to have another baby, you should always keep your children/stepchildren involved to prevent feelings of alienation. They should be kept informed, but never involved in arguments. However much you sit down and talk it over, it is twice as important to follow through with promises and watch to ensure your child/stepchild is happy with the situation.
To show them love, to demonstrate your trust in them: these are the ways that you will help to cement the relationships within the family and prevent resentment building up. Always remember that it is your responsibility to initiate and maintain these bonds and not the child's.
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